One day feeling like a sardine

One day feeling like a sardine

Once upon a time in a board meeting so very far away there were 35 people sitting hip to hip around a table built for 20. Men and women dressed in their finery all hoping to empress the CEO, CFO and the Executive VP that were attending the meeting. All of these lovely people were from all over the eastern seaboard states including one from Quebec Canada. I was the representative from central Michigan with my counter parts; there was Mr. Detroit area and the strange one from Kalamazoo who would dig out his BBQ grill from the hip deep snow to cook but not bother with the car.

               We were so tightly packed in that at one point one of the few women got really excited when the guys pager, in his pocket, vibrated against her leg causing her to try to jump up but only succeeded in losing her balance and falling back into her chair with a thump, then red with embarrassment because she realized that he did not do anything, his pager did.

               Oh the powers that be were not packed in, no… By no means were they sharing the opposite sides of the same cloth pant legs. They had room meant for the bosses which of course they were.     

               As the conversation droned on and on, the ones in the know knowingly giving responses while the rest of us just sat there in our three-piece suits pretending to take it all in. Oh and pantsuits on the women that I must admit did really enhance the view from my prospective when I had a view. Ah, women wore their clothing so tight in those days.

I, as my luck would have it, was sharing the space of one with two other men, one on each side of me. And as luck would have it they were both large men so not only did we get to share the same air but I also had the honor of being a sponge for their sweaty leg, yes, the joy of corporate meetings.

I noted the CFO looking at his watch, would he, could he, he did. He signaled the speaker and rose to his feet. “Let take a 15 minute break,” he said. He had the smile of someone that had just given us a gift that we did not expect and we looked like someone that had just been paroled. 

Watching all of us getting or attempting to get up without knocking our neighbors over in the process was without a doubt a scene from some old silent movie. With all the grace of a herd of wildebeest moving down to the river and with about the same sound bite we finally managed to get out the door of the room.

Now like many of my peers in those days I smoked, and like most of the people in the room I really wanted, needed, a close encounter with the bathroom. The coffee drank earlier in the morning had been sitting in the nether regions with a constant pressure that I was not enjoying in the least.

As corporate meeting rooms are the restrooms were neither close nor large. Not only are there only two stand ups and two sit downs in the restroom, there were some 20 of us attempting to get in. And like the before mentioned wildebeest we were cordially attempting to push our way through to the head of the line.

Like most high powered meetings some of the gentlemen were taking up space, long since done, shook and needing to be put away, but still standing there holding on tight while trying one up the man next door trying to make some business point.

Not only did I need to off load some coffee but I really wanted a smoke before we went back in the cattle pen for another hour or more listening to some vague mental wanderings of corporate big wigs that had nothing what so ever to do with me or my job.

I did a dodge and weave that would have made any basketball player proud unzipping on the way. I got in, mumbled my responses to whoever was trying to talk to me while I was doing my business. Hastily I beat a retreat to the sink, splash and out the door with sodden paper towels in my hands which I flipped towards the trash can by the water fountain on my way to the outside and the blessed smoke I so craved. 

All too soon the time was up and we ambled back into the room like kids heading into the office for a chewing out. None of us wanted to be there. What we wanted to be doing is hitting the nightlife as we did the night before. Bars, girlie clubs, restaurants were all open and willing to take our green backs and we were willing to give them up. A bunch of twenty something’s in a strange town with time to play.

So here we are all tucked back into ours seat nestled up next to the man, or in some cases woman that we shared space with, on and on the meeting goes. At some point I shift in my chair with a soft “’cuse me” to my close companions and I feel a bit of a breeze. Looking down I realized to my dismay that my pants were still unzipped showing my blue skivvies. Thank God I was not going commando. Trying to be as unapparent as I could I zipped up. Looking around I noted that no one seem to notice even my space mates.

“By a show of hands how many of you bla bla bla” I raised my hand, I have no idea for what but what the hell, and everyone else was, I just wanted to get the hell out of here.

Finally it is four o’clock and the meeting is over. The CEO gives up a few parting words of wisdom and prompts towards higher profits. We all politely applaud his short, thank the gods, speech and we all get up to hit the bars.

Well I try to get up. As I stand something grabs me by the neck and jerks me back down, my head nearly contacting the tabletop so great was the downward pull. I also note that something is jerking up on crouch my pants at the same time. I realize two things at the same moment, one the room is very quiet, and two I had zipped my beautiful purple tie into my fly while sitting, and it was now stuck.

I could not pull it out, good tie, great fabric, expensive and I was having a devil of a time getting the zipper to turn lose. It was like pack-man eating the tie. I was half standing bent double fighting with this zipper in a room full of my fellow managers. No one to come to my rescue or to cover for me, I was there like the deer in the headlight for the entire room to see. 

I know that the process of freeing myself from this very awkward position only took a second but it seems like forty minutes. As I am working at the zipper I look up over the rim of my glasses and proudly note that I am now the center of attention, turn on the spot light, cue up the applause!

               As I finally free myself and stand pretending that nothing was wrong the quiet room erupts into peals of laughter. I see that even the CEO has a large grin on his face.

I am as sure as the day is long that the story of the tie and the zipper made rounds for many years to come, it did that night at every bar we stopped at. Even got me a nice hug from a topless waitress who felt sorry for me…. I am sure that is why she hugged me, really.

4/07/15