The Decision

The Decision

JMBlondin

3/03/2015

I am surrounded by sounds, little beeps, the whirring of a fan, the tick, tick, tick of a pump, the wheeeeze click of another machine. The out of focus sounds of voices calling out to one and another sometime muted and other times loud and intrusive; the passing click of shoes on the hard floor and the smell of this place. The too strong smell of disinfectant and alcohol mixed with the smell of clean sheets, of plastic and of waiting death. 

Out the window I see the glare of the sodium vapor lamps being reflected off the windshields and chrome of the cars in the parking lot. It is once again night and I am once again here in this place. Slowly I turn to the left. There is the pervasive wheeeeze click, wheeeeze click of that machine with its blinking light and fan sounds. Wheeeeze click, wheeeeze click. The other machines and devices making their own little sound as they break the semi dark with their lights blinking and lit up wavy lines. There are bags of fluid and tubes. Everything so orderly, and so terrifying, each pole so shinny they are reflecting all the little light in a strange and distorted way, each bag so clear, everything so industrial. Wheeeze click, Wheeeeze click.

               A little further on to my left stands the only other person in the room, my baby sister. She is not looking at me but rather looking down. Her left arm is wrapped across her breast in a self-hug and her right arm is bent with her fist against her mouth. Her blue eyes are rimmed red and filled with tears; her cheeks are wet with their trails. The light grey shirt she is wearing has a wet spot on her arm where so many of those tears have dripped off her cheeks coming to rest and soaking in. She is not making a sound. On the bed between us in what use to be our father he’s not longer there, oh his body is there but he has left the building like Elvis leaving only the physical memory of him. He is breathing but only because of the wheeeeze click of the machine beside his bed. Samantha and I have to come to an agreement, she and I have to decide if we silence the wheeeeze click, stop the flow of liquid and end this charade that has become our fathers life.

               “Sam” I say quietly. She does not respond. “Sammie“I say again with a little more volume. She turns to look at me. My heart wrenches at the way she looks and at the knowledge of what I am going to say, what I have to say.

 “Sammie we have to decide, I cannot do this any longer, I cannot come in here each day knowing that dad is tied to this lifeless flesh because of these machines. I know his soul cannot leave here as long as he breaths. He is tied; we keep him tied here because we cannot decide. He is probably screaming at us to free him”

               I can see the anger flash in those blue eyes. Inwardly I cringe knowing what is coming.

”We cannot just   turn    him    off!" The voice coming from her is unlike that loving child that has followed me around for all these years. Those eyes are not the ones that have looked up to me which such wonder. There is steel in there where there use to be softness and that little girl lilt has been replace with iron conviction.

 “We cannot end this until we know for sure that there is NO chance there he will come back!”  There is steel in her voice but not in her eyes, they hold only fear and sadness.

               “Samantha” I can hardly speak without breaking into sobs, “There has been no brain activity for days, if the machine is not there he does not breath, if the IV’s were turned off he would starve. He does not eat, he does not sleep……..HE IS NOT HERE!” I did not mean to raise my voice and she recoiled as if I had struck her. Stepping back she breaks into sobs, both hands now covering her face. She has not turned away from me. Through her hands I hear her muffled voice breaking as she says,

“NO…NO….NO! Mom is gone, we have no one, there is no one left for us!” Dropping her hands she looks at me with a fierceness that I haven’t seen since she kicked the ass of the neighbor boy for throwing stones at me, that fierceness that was the mother lion when she was protecting me.

               “Danny I cannot help you end what remains of our family, I cannot even though I know there is a strong chance that he will not come back to us.” She turned and looked down at what remained of our father.          Wheeeeze click, wheeeeze click, the rise and fall of Dad’s chest the only movement, the machine doing all the work.

               “Sam, honey, I can no longer stand by and watch this, and I cannot keep putting this off.” I said in a soft tone also looking down on what remained of the strong man that use to whip me real good when I didn’t tow the line. The same man that once told me after breaking up a fight between Sam and me by making us hug until we starting laughing, to “protect your sister with your life.” His tone was soft then, telling me something that I knew I must always do; that I would always do.

               I turned and looked up at Sam.

“Sam..”  

“What?” she said, “What are you going to do Danny? You’re the oldest and you have to decide, I cannot agree.. not yet.. So what are you going to do Dan! What are you going to do, pull the plug on DAD, pull his plug?”

               I could hardly see her through my own tears now, sobs now tearing at my own throat. The pain in my heart for both my kid sister and what our father had become was threaten to drop me right there. Once again my resolve was waning.

“We have to decide something Sam.” I whispered as I moved around to her side of the bed. I opened my arms to her as she stepped in; turning her face up to me she put both arms around me and gave me one of her fierce backbreaking hugs as a sob escaped her throat.

The lights went out.

Weeeeze…..

03/03/2015